My Amazing Mom

Today is an extremely special and important day for mother's all over this great country... yep, it's MOTHER'S DAY. This is one my favorite holidays each year because it gives everyone a chance to acknowledge and recognize the hardest job ever bestowed upon the human race. I know there are all types of mothers, and I know that all mothers are different, and some of you may not share my opinion of how amazing mom's are, but I can only speak from my experiences and pull from the examples that I grew up observing in my family. I was very blessed to have such strong and loving women in my family. My mom Gloria, both my grandmothers Carrie Moore, and Iva Rae (whom we affectionately called Mua), my great grandmother Sadie, and my big sister Trina. They all share a special and unique gift that makes them great mothers; and that's the gift of SELFLESSNESS. They all put the needs of their children and family above their own. Even though my sister and I are adults now, our mother still does this. When I was younger, I didn't realize how much my mom sacrificed to make my sister and I have a happy and comfortable life. Whenever I reflect on my childhood, I sit in complete amazment at everything that her and my dad went through to give my sister and I a happy life.

When I was around 3 years old, I started to get sick a lot, and I would cry all day and night and rub my legs. They took me to a doctor in Washington and told him about my symptoms. The doctor told my parents that nothing was wrong with me, and sent us home with some baby Tylenol. Over the next week, my symptoms just got worse and worse. I cried all through the night and my mom would stay up with me and try to make me feel better. She went days and days with no sleep at all. Then I completely stopped walking. They would try to put me on my feet, and I would resist. So my mom took me back to the doctor and told them about my new symptoms and told them that I cried constantly, and told them that I looked like I was in a lot of pain, and told them that she knew something was wrong with me. The same doctor examined me and told her that nothing was wrong again. I can only imagine how frustrating this must have been for both my parents. A mother knows her child just as well as she knows herself, and she knew that I was in pain, but no one would help. That had to be seriously hard to watch your child hurting and there's nothing you can do to help and make it better. The next morning my mom told my dad that she was going to take me to as many doctors and hospitals she could find, until someone could give her some answers. They both took off of work and drove to Greenville and took me to Pitt Memorial hospital and explained everything to the pediatrician. They ran all kinds of tests on me that very day, and finally came up with some answers.

They diagnosed me with Sickle Cell and immediately checked me into the hospital. The doctors told her that she brought me in just in the nick-of-time, because if they had waited any longer I would of probably died. They kept me in the hospital for over a month, and my mom slept in my room with me every single night in a chair beside my hospital bed. After I started feeling better, I had to learn how to walk all over again at 3 years old. From then on, every time I got sick and had to be hospitalized, my mom stayed with me every single night. She would go home for a quick shower early in the morning and get ready for work because she needed her job. After work, she would come straight back to the hospital and spend the night with me. I don't know how she did all this for that long. I know having a sick child takes a toll on the parents, but they never let me see the pain they must have felt. Through out my childhood my medical care was very expensive. The doctor bills were more than any other expense that my family had. More than our house, more than our cars, way more than any bill they had. When I got older and started to think about it, I realized how huge of a financial burden my illness was. And what's even more amazing, is that I never heard not even one word about any doctor bills. Now that's a testament to their amazing parenting skills. If I had known how much my doctor bills were costing my family, I would of felt horrible... and they knew this, so they shielded me from stuff like that to protect me.

My mom is the definition of what a "phenomenal woman" should be. She takes care of all of us (my dad included lol), she works full time, she's very involved and dedicated to her church (and she's the church sectary), she would give her last dime to me if I needed it, she makes sure I take care of my health and keep my doctor appointments, and she cooks my favorite meal anytime I request it. That's why my mom is the most beautiful, most caring, most loving, most giving, most kind-hearted and selfless person I've ever known. Without her, my dad, my sister, my nephews and I would be completely lost. She's the glue that holds this family together, and the motivator that keeps us inspired. Whenever someone compliments me on my great fashion sense and style, they're complimenting my mom too. She's the one that taught my sister and I how to be stylish and unique. When it comes to fashion, my mom never makes a wrong move. She'll be 90 years old, and still decked-out from head to toe (lol).

I love my mom, and I could never repay her for everything she's done for me. Words can't even express how much I owe and appreciate her. She's one of a kind, and I thank God every single day for giving me my mom.

DeMon's Dilemma

It's been a while since I've written a blog about something personal in my life.  Here lately politics have consumed most of my attention, therefore my writing has shown that.  But as I sit here in my room at 6am taking advantage of the quiet calm that dawn has presented me, I begin to reflect upon my personal relationships and how I interact within these relationships.  The genuine connections I have with my family and close friends have always been extremely important to me.  But being gay and closeted for my entire life up until I was 19 or 20 effected those relationships, and what parts of my personality I felt comfortable sharing with them.  I loved and desperately needed these people in my life, and I thought if they knew who I really was then I'd lose them.  So I learned how to compartmentalize different aspects of my personality and modify those characteristics that I thought might expose my secret.  I became really good at analyzing people to figure out who they wanted me to be and what attributes they felt the most comfortable with.  So in my head I thought that's who they wanted me to be, so in-turn I would try and portray that when I was around that person.  After doing that for almost my whole life, I began to question every single thing about me and my personality.  What was real and what was an act.  After struggling with who I am and wrestling with self-hatred for all those years, somehow I finally found the courage admit to myself and to my friends that I was gay.  I was so blessed to have amazing friends in my life that genuinely love and accepted me unconditionally.  They have no idea how big of a role their acceptance played in making me feel good about myself for the first time in my life.  Without Shante Mika and Jessie, I might be dead right now... no joke.  Then about 4 years after I came out to my friends, my family finds out. I won't get into how they found out, but I will say it wasn't a pleasant situation, and probably one of the darkest periods in my life thus far.  So after that pretty much everyone in my life knew about my sexuality, then there was no need for me to be so guarded, scared, and cautious anymore.  I could just be me... right?  Well that's what I thought at first, but things aren't like that at all.  Let me explain:  After building a personal relationship with someone throughout your whole life, you and that particular person have created a certain rapport with each other. The familiar way you two interact is what makes your relationship comfortable, so that's what you come to expect from that person.  So now that I'm not closeted anymore, I don't feel comfortable putting on that act.  So my relationships with those people becomes a huge dilemma.  I don't know how to be "me" around them.  I can feel that they're uncomfortable with my sexuality because they don't want to acknowledge it or talk about it.  They want me to be the person they are use to, but they don't understand that that person wasn't me.  So because of all that, I just try and keep my distance.  I don't want to give them the chance to reject me.  This is the case with a lot of my family right now (most, but NOT all).  I have no idea how to act around them. 

I'm not sure if I articulated my thoughts and feelings clearly in this post, but I hope that whoever reads this will get some kind of understanding out of it.  This is a hard situation to put into words because there's so much emotion behind it.  Maybe I'll do a video blog later on to try and explain things a little better.  If you did pick up on the point I was trying to get across, then leave me a short comment or a private message to let me know.

A Very Special Valentines Day Message

Just in case you're one of those lame ass couples I just talked about, here are some Valentines Day gift ideas picked personally by me, just to show there's no hard feelings.  I'm hopelessly single, so cut me a little slack.  I think I'm allowed to hate just a little.  After February 14th has come and gone, I promise not to engage in any other hater type behavior for the rest of the year.

www.spenfam.com/jt/index.html

Broken Spirit

Today I feel so very sad, tired, and somewhat defeated. My initial outrage and anger (that I felt when I first became aware of Uganda's gay death penalty bill) has slowly turned into angst on the cusp of despair. I grew up in a very rural extremely small White town in the south right in the heart of "The Bible Belt", so I'm very well aware of the homophobia that exist in most conservative and Christian households here, so I'm not at all naive about their beliefs and opinions about gays. I usually just chalk-it-up to ignorance, and continue living my life as open and honest as I can. I've always believed that my character as a person who happens to be gay, is a lot more effective in changing the minds of those that are homophobic, way better than any magazine article, movie, argument, debate, march, or protest can. By knowing someone who's gay, they can see them as a person with the same hopes and dreams as they have, and not just an issue to be for or against. But when I learned that an American "Christian" evangelical group were going back and forth to Uganda to aide them in committing the worst human rights atrocity in my lifetime, I began to lose my faith in the goodness of man and doubt the compassion and love in Christianity. I know this particular situation with Uganda involves only one of many religious organizations and/or churches, but I feel that a majority of those groups and churches share equal blame in this. By not speaking out against an injustice of this magnitude, it makes them culpable. The few that have came out with public statements are choosing their words very carefully so they can appear sympathetic to the gay community without admitting that their homophobia indirectly contributed to the creation of this "kill the gays" bill. The only thing that frustrates me just as much as homophobia is unacknowledged and/or unaddressed hypocrisy. And these people are pushing both buttons at once.

While I was reading the latest developments about this story, searching different blogs and established print media (on the web); I stumbled upon something that switched my anger into utter despair. I noticed that a majority of the comments that were left on all the African American targeted blogs were siding with Uganda's attempt to execute gays. That just blew me away. I really didn't expect that amount of hatred from my own race. A race that I'm proud to be a part of, a race that has first hand knowledge of how oppression and violent injustice feels. I just don't understand... why, or how this came to be. I would of never guessed that my race would ever under any circumstances, take on the role of the oppressor. I just can't get my head around that one. I've tried and tried and tried to make sense of it all, but disappointingly, it turns into a contest of futility. If I can't convince my own race to change and see things rationally, then what chances do I have to convince a whole country.

*FIND MORE INFORMATION ABOUT TOPICS DISCUSSED IN THIS BLOG POST BELOW:

Uganda Anti-Homosexuality Bill

Uganda's Anti-Homosexuality Bill is a piece of proposed legislation under consideration in Uganda. It was proposed on 13 October 2009 by... more

Get one for any topic!

Direct deposit is dangerous on Christmas eve. Now i'm just going to spend even more. I have a problem lol.

My Sister Trina's Birthday Party Pics

Here are the pictures from my sisters birthday party.
Don't forget to visit my new entertainment blog "Socially Urban" at WWW.SOCIALLYURBAN.COM

I'm on my way to my dentist appointment and it's raining so hard i can't see the road.

Watching movies on my laptop 2 pass time. I stumbled upon a really amazing UK series named TRINITY. If u like shows like LOST or GOSSIP GIRL, u'll luv this one.

FINALLY Decided...

FINALLY Decided To Use This As My CD cover art:

Don't forget to check out my "urban pop culture" blog for all the latest news and events in the world of entertainment:

OMG! Wanda Sykes Hall is funny as fuck! Her HBO special is on right now. WATCH IT! You're gonna laugh your ass off.

Airtran Airline SUCKS!!!! They "lose" my flight credit for over a month. Then a day after it expires, they find it with no trouble at all. WTF?

E. Lynn Harris; The Passing Of A Brilliant Author

I was very troubled to hear about the passing of Mr. Harris. To me he was more than just an author. He helped me see that being an out gay black male was possible. The way I first discovered his writing was kind of serendipitous. I was a very unhappy closeted college freshman at East Carolina University. I've always had a passion for reading, and used books as a way to escape the reality of my inner-turmoil. I would go to Barnes and Nobel quite often to sip coffee and find new books to read. I was aware that they had a "Gay and Lesbian interest" book section, but I was so deeply closeted that I couldn't even walk towards that isle (even though I wanted to very badly). During one of my days there, I walked around a bit, and found a couple of books that looked interesting. I went to purchase my coffee, and found a comfortable chair to sit in while I went through my books to see which ones I wanted to buy. I sat my things on the coffee table in front of me, and I noticed an interesting looking book lying there on the table that someone had left for the employees to re-shelve. I picked it up and read the title "Invisible Life". That really peaked my interest because I felt as though I were living a kid of invisible life. I started to read and it drew me in instantly. When I noticed that they were about to close the store, I had already went through half of the book. As soon as I got home, I couldn't sleep. All I could think about were the characters and how much I could relate to things that they were going through. I knew I had a morning class at 8am, and I'd feel like hell if I didn't get any sleep, but I didn't care. I got back up, and finished the book just as the sun was rising. It was the first time in my life that I watched the sun rise, and really felt as though it was a new day. Over the next couple of days, I read the book again until I could get another chance to hit Barnes and Nobel and search for another one of his books titled "Abide With Me". In those few short days, my world felt as though it had transformed. I thought being gay was a curse bestowed upon me, and I was destined to live my life in lonely solitude, but E. Lynn's book gave me hope. It help me see that I could be happy. I could find love. I could be the person God made me. All of that never occurred to me before. This time when I walked into the book store, I headed directly to the "Gay and Lesbian Interest" section. The store was very busy with people, and I didn't care at all. Just three days before, I couldn't fathom going down that asile and taking my time looking for a book. So for me, Mr. Harris was not just an author of gay fiction. This man and his books completely changed my life... and changed it for the better. Before I read that first novel, it had never occurred to me that I could have a healthy loving relationship. Without his books, I would of never met Brook (my ex). My five year relationship with him was the happiest I've been in my whole adult life. Whoever I was before that trip to Barnes and Nobel, I don't know who that is anymore. It's like looking back at someone else's life. When I heard the news on CNN about the death of E. Lynn Harris, it really sadden me. I wanted to meet him, and tell him my story of how he helped me, and how he changed my life. I just wanted to thank him, and now it's to late. My only solace and hope is that he passed knowing about how many lives he's touched and how much his work has helped me and millions of people just like me. For this, I am forever grateful.

R I P Mr. E. Lynn Harris


      

I just got stopped for speeding right in front of my house. Thank God he just gave me a warning.

Happy Mothers Day! I hope you enjoy your well deserved day of thanks and recognition. YOU DESERVE IT.

Trina's Response

OMG! Trina is "THE SHIT", for realz! I can't believe she loved the pic, and left me a comment on my blog... ok, let me try and calm down. I'm starting to sound like those 13 & 14 year old girls that scream and pass out over the Jonas Brothers (lol). But, right now, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN how corny I sound lol. You guys just don't understand how big of a fan I am of her. I've been hooked on "The Trina Bandwagon" from the very beginning. I still remember the first time I heard her on the song she did with Trick Daddy (Nanna Nigga). Her style, her looks, and her flow was unlike anything I've seen in hip hop at that time. I can almost recite verbatim almost every song she's done (my favorite is "The Baddest"). And when the opportunity came for me to actually meet her and be on MTV, I was hyped big time. I missed one of my exams in sociology to drive all the way to New Jersey just to meet her. I respect and admire her style. She's managed to stay relevant for a whole decade, and that is extremely rare in hip hop. So I'm not ashamed at all to share my excitement about her to anyone. "FUCK A DIME, SHE'S A SILVER DOLLA"... HOLLA!

*****TO READ HER RESPONSE, VIEW MY PREVIOUS BLOG AND CLICK ON "COMMENTS"*****

Here's Trina's first ever video "Nann" featuring Trick Daddy:

Watch more My Video videos on AOL Video

TRINA... still the baddest!

This is a pic I did for Trina (aka The Diamond Princess, aka The Baddest Chick). She's one of my favorite hip hop artist, and she's just a really cool person. I've only met her once, and she suprised me by being so approachable and nice to me and my boyfriend (at the time it was Brook). If you guys think she looks hot in her videos and on tv, then you'd really be blown away when seeing her "in person". She's like 10 times more beautiful than what tv and magazines show. I kid you not! ... anyway, here's the pic. I'm hoping she'll leave a comment, but we'll wait and see. She also has a new single out with Keri Hilson. Here's a link to her myspace page if you want to check it out: http://www.myspace.com/trinarockstarr

Hot New Song by Me

Take a listen to my new song, and let me know what you think. Don't forget to add yourself to my "fan" list also.

Excuse Me?

I'm not sure what this has do with the direction of this particular blog (DeMon's Blue Options), but I feel the need to share this with you. It's my definition of excuses. This isn't the dictionary definition. It's just my belief or interpretation of it. *So here it goes:

Excuses are merely explanations that mitigate personal responsibility while appearing to take ownership of the outcome, and spin it in a way to lesson blame and thus their involvement.


*wonderful use of ebonics on that one "so here it goes"... lol

Acting "Brand New"

This is now the home of my new blog "DeMon's Blue Options". I know most of you would love to know what the title means, but we'll save that for another time. It would be cool if you guys would take a stab at guessing. Whoever actually gets it right, will recieve a really cool prize for your efforts. You can either leave a comment, or e-mail your guess to: demon@demonspencer.com