Coming Out To Friends

After reading NBA star Jason Collins's coming out story in Sports Illustrated and watching his interview on Oprah, I began thinking about my own coming out story. It was extremely freeing just like Jason said his experience was, but mine lacked national attention, a call from the president, thousands of articles, millions of supportive tweets, and a primetime Oprah Interview. Apparently you have to be a 7 foot NBA basketball player to get all that so I guess I can't feel too upset at the snub I got from Oprah and President Obama when I came out (lol). My story was a little different. There was no big decision to come out to everyone all at one time. There was no call to family members to schedule a big sitdown talk. My coming out was a long journey that varied with each person I told. Some people I told face to face. Some people I told over the phone. Some I told with an email message. A couple times I got a close friend to tell someone for me. And then there was this one family member I told in a letter. I've written about my coming out story a couple times over the years but I've never written about the people I came out to and how each of those experiences played out. Of course everyone had different reactions when they found out and most reacted positively and expressed their love and support. There were a few negative responses but under the circumstances I understood. Hearing something like that is a lot to process and deal with so I prepared myself mentally (as best I could) for that possibility. I had no illusions about the risk I was taking by telling the people who meant the most to me. The thought of losing family and friends scared me to death but I knew it had to be done. I carried that load throughout my whole life and I just couldn't carry it anymore. This secret was destroying me. I faked happiness for far too long and was finally ready for the real thing. It took a very tragic event to get to that revelation. I've written about that as well so I won't go back into that dark twisted tale again in this post. 

The first person I ever told was my friend Jessie (Jessica Kirk). I met her while working at a call center during my sophomore year at East Carolina University. At first I didn't like her at all. I thought she was a loud rude stuck-up yankee and I'd have nothing in common with her. After working with her for a week somehow we became fast friends. We were so close that everyone at work thought we were dating. I decided right away that she'd be the first person I came out to. If we weren't together at her apartment or hanging out at my apartment we'd be at work together or talking on the phone. I chickened out two or three times before I worked up the courage to tell her. We were on the phone one night playing the question game. I'd ask her something about herself and no matter what the question was we had to answer it truthfully. We took turns going back and forth for about an hour then I suggested a question that she could ask me. It was something stupid like what type of person are you attracted to or something like that. I think she could sense why I wanted her to ask that question but she played along anyway and asked. Then I told her I'm attracted to guys and I'm gay. I was scared as hell about how she might respond. Then she said that's great DeMon I'm so happy you felt close enough to share that with me. I was speechless for a while but I could actually hear sincere happiness in her voice so I knew she really meant what she was saying. After getting off the phone I felt like a whole new person. For the first time in my life I was truly happy and looking forward to the future. I was amazed at how wonderful and freeing it felt to open up and tell someone this. I never gave much thought to that saying "the truth will set you free" until then. I know it sounds cliche but it's the absolute truth. I'll love Jessie for the rest of my life for helping me come out and live my life truthfully. I can't think of too many people that have effected my life in the way she has and I'm very grateful for that. 

The second person I told was my cousin. We grew up like brothers almost. I feared his reaction the most, but I knew I had to tell him. I tried to tell him right before he went away for boot camp but again I chickened out. Jessie knew I wanted to tell him so she suggested I write him a letter while he was away at boot camp. I thought it was a great idea so that's what I did. Waiting for his response was nerve-racking. After a very long two weeks I finally got a response from him. He told me in his letter that he already knew and that it didn't matter to him. He told me we were family and nothing is going to change that. Needless to say I was very happy to hear that from him. A lot of straight African-American men would have freaked out and never talked to me again... especially those who grew up in the south, so I give him props for not going that route. It made me respect him even more as a person after that. I also told him not to tell anyone else in the family and he kept that promise for years. That's very commendable in our family because everybody knows everybody's business and secrets don't remain secrets for very long (lol).

The third and fourth person I told was my best friend Shante and her sister Tamika who I'm very close to as well. Shante was looking for a place so I asked her if she wanted my extra bedroom. While I was helping her move her things in I told her very casually that I was gay and I have a boyfriend that spends the night a lot. Her reaction was very positive. I wasn't too worried about her reacting in a negative way because I knew she loved me and I knew she would never judge anyone. She's just not that type of person. I would have told her sooner but she moved to Connecticut and got married right when I was starting college. After I told her of course she had a million questions and we stayed up all night drinking and talking. I wasn't too worried about telling Tamika either. She has always been very open minded and not judgemental at all. She probably has the biggest heart out of anyone I know but she doesn't let too many people see that so I'm blowing her cover by writing this (lol love you Mika). Shante and Tamika gave me huge boost of confidence right when I needed it most. Years later after my parents found out, Tamika called me and told me to come live with her for a while in South Carolina if I needed to get away from everyone while they sort things out. I told her I'd love to take her up on her offer but I have a dog and a boyfriend. She told me they were welcome too without hesitation. She swooped in right when I needed her most and I love her for doing that. I never felt like a freak around Shante and Mika. They were more than supportive, they were my cheerleaders when my life didn't have much cheer in it. I don't know anyone more loyal then they are to me. I love them both and I should tell them that a lot more often.

After telling those four I slowly became more comfortable sharing that with people. I think the whole coming out process for me lasted about 5 years. All four of them changed my life for the better and I love each and every one of them for it. Now everyone in my life knows I'm gay, both friends and family. Back when I was closeted I couldn't even imagine my family still loving me the way they do. My parents haven't disowned me (even though they don't fully understand that being gay is not a choice), I can talk to my sister about my boyfriend and she's totally supportive, and it's made my friends and I even closer. I'm engaged to the most wonderful guy I've ever met and I'm very optimistic about our future together... and who knows, maybe my family will surprise me and attend our wedding. Anson says I shouldn't give up hope so I'm trying to take his advice.

Olberman gives Gay Marriage some Perspective

Out of all the arguments, articles, books, pundit sparring, cable news segments, and verbal jousting for and against Gay marriage; no one has captured and conveyed the thoughts and feelings of frustration from the Gay community better than MSNBC's Keith Olberman. I'm a loyal viewer of his show, but somehow this clip got by me. It was taken from a show he did a couple months back right after California passed Prop 8. His heartfelt plea was just as eloquent as it was profound. Watch and see for your self:



If you can't play the video clip, here's the direct url:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChanTFSmqao&feature=related


Here's a clip that exposes the hypocrisy of denying basic human rights from Gay & Lesbian couples. It takes the logic and arguments from the anti Gay marriage movement, and uses it against them. Before I watched this video, I had never thought about it that way. But, it makes perfect sense. See for yourself and let me know if you agree.

Protect Marriage, Protect Children, Prohibit Divorce - watch more funny videos

Here's the direct link just in case the clip doesn't load.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/cca5e8a78a/protect-marriage-protect-children-prohibit-divorce-from-jonathan-smith


I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes, that I think is very relevant to this story and the time we live in.

Seek not abroad, turn back into thy self, for in the inner man dwells the truth.
-St. Augustine

11 Year Old Hangs Himself Because of Bullies Calling Him Gay

When I first heard this story last night, I got physically ill. I had to turn the tv off because I felt an eruption of emotion waiting to explode up out of me and manifest itself in the form of violence. Words can not describe how horrible all of this is. It made me angry, upset, vengeful, and hurt all at the same time. Anderson Cooper interviewed the boys mother on his show last night. You could see how deep her pain was just by looking at her. As she began to tell the story of what happened, I struggled to choke back tears so I could listen to everything she was saying. When she showed a picture of her son, I looked at him and saw me. We even shared similar upbringings. I immedieatly felt a connection to him. I could probably tell you almost everything going through his mind that led to his suicide. The adults, the teachers, and all other authority figures failed this child. The measure of greatness in a civalized soceity can be measured by how it treats it's weakest members. Judging from what happened to Carl Joseph, WE ALL FAILED HIM. His mother would be justified if she decides to sue the teachers, the principal, the school, the school board, and the state. Maybe this will finally make people see what intolerance can leads to. The blood of this innocent little 12 year old boy is on the hands of ALL those right-wing evangelical, hate spewing, homophobic, republican, bigots that are teaching their children that it is ok to treat gay's and lesbians like inferior 2nd class citizens, because they aren't real people anyway. They might not come out and say it like that, but that's the message they are sending when they form groups to ban gay marriage, and when they pass laws to keep homosexuals out of the military, and when they preach in their churches about how much God hates gays, and that God is sending all homosexuals to hell. It's very logical to make that leap in a child's mind, and because of this, they think it's ok to commit violent acts, and throw hate speech to gays because according to what they've been taught, Gays are evil horrible and damned by God and Jesus. WWJD? Jesus would want us to "discriminate, kill, bully, and get rid of" homosexuals". ... right? I'm only being facioious here to prove my point.
I'm trying to be optimistic about the future of this country, and the fact that we just elected the first African American President has made this a little easier, but when things like this are still going on in 2009, it's like one step foward, and 2 steps back. When are people going to finally wake up, get wise, and stop spreading their ignorance disguised as "religion". What ever happened to showing the love of God? Whatever happened to "judge ye not"? What ever happened to "Love thy neighbor"? For some reason, Christians tend to forget about those teachings when it comes to gay and lesbian people. They would rather fight for oppression, instead of learning about tolerance.

I'm just so so so very sad, tired, and depressed about what this beautiful child had to endure. It makes me feel powerless because I am only one man, and it's going to take a lot more people than just me, to change things. And no matter what I do or say, I can not bring Carl back to his mother and make things better. His pain at school was so great that he thought hanging himself with an extension cord seemed like his only option. How many more children have to die before we open our eyes and open our hearts, and finally get rid of this ugly evil stain on our country known as hate and intolerance.

Here's some links and video that explains Carls story in more detail:

RIP Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover

April 17, 1997 - April 13, 2009

http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2009/04/mom_says_springfield_boy_11_wh.html?category=Deaths%20category=Education%20category=Springfield

11-year-old's suicide brings bullying to forefront

Perplexed over Obama's Choice, Rick Warren

I know I said I wouldn't get too political on this blog (which is supposed to be a lighthearted look into pop culture), but I feel this issue is important enough to veer into the world of politics just this one time. I feel justified in doing this because the line dividing pop culture from politics seem to be disappearing currently anyway (sign of the time we live in I guess).

I'm perplexed over President Obama's choice of Pastor Rick Warren to do the invocation at his inauguration. Here's a little back-story about Rick Warren:
He's an evangelical preacher with a HUGE following. He has very outspoken anti-gay views. Earlier this year he lead the charge to pass proposition 8 in California, which repealed an earlier judicial decision to legally recognize gay marriage in that state. This homophobic bigot has also equated homosexuality with pedophilia and bestiality in numerous interviews and sermons. Despite all this, his church boasts having the 3rd largest congregation in the US with a seating capacity of 3,500. He built a $20 million dollar student ministry facility called the Refinery. It houses the middle school (Wildside) and high school (HSM) consisting of nearly 1,500 students. He is most famously known for a book he wrote called "The Purpose Driven Life" which has sold over 20 million copies, becoming one of the best selling non-fiction books of all time. That's what makes this man so dangerous to anyone that believes in civil rights, and the separation of church and state. He's not some lone backwoods nutcase living out in the woods somewhere in West Virginia. He's an opportunistic religious leader with the ear of white middle America. Whenever I would hear people talk about how polarized this country is, I really didn't give it much thought. I chalked it up to media hype, and republican spin... but this whole situation with Rick Warren opened my eyes to a dark and glib reality. There's a huge force of Christian Evangelicals that are growing in number as we speak. They want to impose their beliefs and way of life on everyone living in the US. And they think anyone that's not straight white and Christian doesn't deserve any rights or protection under this government. I'm sure I made my opinion of Pastor Warren very clear. So you might ask, what am I perplexed over? I obviously disagree with this man, and his perversion Christianity... so you'd think I'd be 100% against and strongly opposed to Obama choosing him to speak at his inauguration? ...right? Well, not exactly... and here's why:

When Obama announced his decision to run for president, I really didn't know much about him. I knew he was a Senator, and I remembered what a great speech he gave during the Democratic convention back in 2004 when John Kerry was running. Other than that, I didn't know a thing about this man or his beliefs. The more I found out about him, and the more I found out about his politics, I instantly switched my whole attitude about politics from absolute cynicism, to energized optimism. I made it my business to do anything I could to help this man get in office. I happily volunteered at the local Democratic office every chance I got. I wholeheartedly believe in this man and his ability to lead this country in the right direction. When Obama won the election, he said something that made a whole lot of sense, and it was so simple and so true, it made me think why haven't I heard this before from any politician. He said that although a majority of America cast their vote for him, he still had a great number of Americans that voted the other way. He then went on to say that he's not going to be President to just the "blue states" and all who voted for him, but all of America. He said he wanted his office to be as inclusive and diverse as our country is. That means that we need to listen to those we agree with, as well as the ones we disagree with. That's what a true democracy is supposed to be. We're still extremely polarized in this country, but ignoring a particular group just gives them more power and more of a reason to separate themselves from us. In a way it legitimizes their cause. So even-though I don't agree with Pastor Rick Warren, he has very strong influence with middle America. And the way our economy is looking, we can't afford to ostracize anyone.

I think we need to change the way we look at politics. We're so use to the "status quo", of how our government and elected officials operate, that we think that is the way it should be done. For instance, everyone has made such a big deal over Obama's staff choices. He has women, men, Democrats, Republicans, Blacks, Whites, Asians, etc etc. He's picking the people that he thinks are best qualified for whatever position. Previous Presidents have always picked only staff members from their political party, and family members, and even people that they owe a favor to. We've seen this happen that way for so long, that we're blinded to the ugliness of it.

Ok, there's my "two cents" (lol). In conclusion, I strongly disagree with all of Pastor Warren's religious and political views, but I think President Obama made a wise choice in choosing him. He's reaching out to a huge Evangelical community, and showing them and all Americans a lesson in love and togetherness.

Katt Williams Goes Crazy, and my trip to Atlanta makes me the king of missed opportunity.

I know what you're wondering. What does Katt Williams (comedian from Nick Cannon's Wildin' Out sketch comedy show on MTV) losing his mind have to do with DeMon's trip to Atlanta, and how does "king of missed opportunity" fit into everything. Just be patient and I promise I'll explain everything. First thing first; Katt Williams a pure comic genius, had a "breakdown" of sorts over the weekend. The story was first leaked by www.ajc.com earlier this week. The official story goes something like this: He had a very busy touring schedule with about 300 shows all over the country with no break or time off at all. Exhausted and spent, he traveled back to his home in Atlanta to recoup and be with family. Apparently he got into an altercation with a desk clerk in some mid-town hotel, for not knowing who he was. His behavior was categorized as "sporadic" and "confrontational". He was in the lobby with nothing on but a robe and some boots. The hotel manager called the police to come diffuse the situation. He did not get arrested, but he was taken to a mental health facility to determine if he was a threat to himself or anyone else. His publicist and his camp continues to stick with the story of "he's fine, he just needed some rest from touring for a little while". LOL... I think we all know that's a big load of SHIT lol. I think Katt Williams is funny as hell, and a bit crazy to boot. If you look at other famous comedians that were at the top of their game, you'll see that all of them are crazy, bazaar, screwed up, and almost all of them had at least one big public melt-down. Martin Lawrence, he was running down a street in LA waving a gun and he had nothing on but some tight white drawls. Dave Chappel turned down 10 million dollars and ran off to Africa abandoning his super popular tv show on Comedy Central. Richard Prior lit his self on fire while trying to light a crack pipe. Eddie Murphy got arrested for trying to pick up a transvestite hooker. And those are just the one's I could come up with right off the top of my head. Crazy right?...

Now on to the second part of my rant, "the king of missed opportunity". I was in Atlanta over the weekend just visiting family and seeing some friends. Saturday night my uncle and I hit up a couple bars to drink a bit and socialize. The second bar we went to was really cool. I sat at the bar beside this really cute guy named Dennis. He was a little tipsy, and I was a little buzzed, but not drunk. We hit it off and the conversation was flowing. It was apparent that he knew I was interested in him, and I knew he was interested in me. After a while, he leans in close to whisper something to me. He said he wants to kiss me so bad. I was completely caught off guard because most guys that are gay but in a mixed crowd (gay and straight) bar aren't that forward. If my skin tone was a little lighter, I'm sure my face would of turned bright red (lol). I smiled and asked him if he was serious. He said he was very serious, and that's all he thought about ever since I sat down beside him. Then he leans in a little closer and asks me if he did kiss me, would I kiss him back. I said of course... but then I remembered that my uncle was right behind me talking to some other people. I told him I would love to kiss him, but I didn't want to make my uncle feel uncomfortable. He asked if my uncle knew I was gay, and I said yes, he does know. Then he pulls me closer and we're eye to eye, noses almost touching. He had the most beautiful piercing blue eyes I've ever seen. I wanted to so bad... but I chickened out and pulled away. He gets up from the bar, and gives me a very tight hug and tells me he's going home, and he hopes I come back to the bar tomorrow without my uncle. I'M SO FUCKING STUPID! I let him walk out because I was afraid of what someone might think. I let the first guy I've actually clicked with, in a long time, get away. I sat at the bar looking stupid and feeling horrible regret in the pit of my stomach. After about 30 seconds, I realize what I had done, so I jump up and rush outside to try and catch him before he left. I looked all around and listened for any sign of a car starting. I couldn't find him. I was too late. I wanted to fuckin' scream. I sat outside on the curb, in the cold, wallowing in self pity until my uncle got ready to leave. The next day I return to North Carolina, and I've been thinking about it ever since. How could I be so stupid. What if he was that special person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. "What if" is a very dangerous statement. The "what if's" can drive you crazy if you let them. I'm trying to fight against it, and move on, but it's hard. So that's what I mean when I said I'm "THE KING OF MISSED OPPORTUNITY".